The uncertain path ahead

Here's the thing. When I started this blog I promised myself that it would document all aspects of life with MS - the good, the bad and the ugly. But as I wish for it to remain a positive account it is sometimes easier to ignore the bad and ugly sides.
However, in recent weeks I have found it difficult to sidestep the issue of uncertainty and that's why I've been away for a while. I genuinely feel that voicing my concerns here will have a negative impact on my thought process but in the interests of keeping it real - here goes.
Of course, the impending arrival of my first born - expected in just over 2 weeks - has me very excited and I've never questioned our decision to have a child - both J an I are going to be great parents (if I do say so myself) - and will strive to give our child(ren) all the love and support they will ever need.
BUT, and here's where the uncertain aspect of MS rears its ugly head, it does worry me that having a child has been a somewhat selfish decision. Yes, we will be great parents and as John Lennon once said, 'Love is all you need' but is it fair for me to sentence our unborn baby to a life with a 'sick' mummy.
It's so frustrating because as I, and all MS patients, know, there is no crystal ball for what lies ahead. I may never deteriorate further and if being this 'sick' is all I have to face then I would be a very happy woman. But there simply is no knowing.
I hate that I go to sleep some evenings and worry about what sort of state my own body will have left me in by morning. I've read the experiences of other MS patients and know that there's a possibility I could, for example, suddenly wake up with impaired or no vision. And there's no point in pretending that that thought doesn't scare the absolute c**p out of me.
I also hate it that MS isn't something I can work at getting rid of. It's there, inside me, working whatever damage it feels like doing - and no amount of positive thinking can make it stop.
In essence, it's an uncertain road and I'm at its mercy.
Yet, I will finish on a positive note - I can't bear not to! For all of its faults and the uncertain future it represents, MS has not taken away any part of my personality - and I am determined that my child will grow up with a confident, happy and positive mum by its side - you just watch!

It'll all be worth it in the end!

Okay, so I've just over five weeks to go and I'm already hoping that I defy the myth of first time mums going late and have this baby early. Not massively early because I, of course, want it to be a good weight - lovely and healthy. But honestly, carrying a baby is hard work.
This week has felt especially hard because the wee mite is doing what it's supposed to and moved head down into my pelvis ready for labour. So, once again, while I'm all chuffed that it's behaving itself and doing as nature intended, it is really starting to hurt.
I have tiny feet pushing up under my ribs at the right, two little fists punching my left side and a head pressing on my bladder - usually all at the same time!
Work today has dragged as I cannot find a single way to get comfortable, and I'm also conscious that this time next week I'll be finishing up - and I'm counting down the hours in anticipation.
Thankfully I held onto some of my holidays so I'm only at my desk for 5 hours next Monday and all of next Thursday, so it should fly by. Then I simply intend to hibernate at home and start nesting - ready for the much-anticipated arrival of our precious bundle of joy.
And once it gets here I'm sure all the aches and pains of recent weeks will simply fade into the background ... and the sleep deprivation will take over instead!!!

8 weeks and counting ...

The birth of the baby is fast approaching - just 8 weeks to go!! - so we have brought the pram home (I swear it needs two months to get used to all the buttons and gadgets!) and I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of our nursery furniture.

I cannot wait to get all the little white and 'neutral' clothes washed, ironed and hung up in the cute wardrobe we've ordered. But before all of that I really need to think about getting my 'bag' packed. My mum is convinced I'll never go to full-term (I'm not THAT big, honest) - but it's better to be safe rather than sorry, especially as I could never trust J, as brilliant as he is, to pack all the right stuff under pressure! I can just see myself mid-contraction screaming, 'No, not that pair, I need my fancy slippers!'

Aside from all the excitement this baby-growing lark is hard work. I've been getting really tired lately, which everyone warned me would hit around this time, and I find myself wanting to sleep in the middle of the day. But it's also a time when the baby's movements are really pronounced - I get kicks all day and find little body parts digging up under my ribs at night - which is the most unbelievable (and sometimes uncomfortable!!) feeling in the world.

Overall though I've enjoyed being pregnant. It's such a miracle, to grow another human being - the magnitude of which I have never fully appreciated before now. To think a little person, half me and half J, is almost here is an overwhelming thought. And I am sure it will be a life changing experience like no other.

Finally ... flat shoes I love!

In my constant quest to find a pair of gorgeous flat shoes that are both comfy and on trend - rather than sore to wear and plain black - I spent a glorious half hour in Dune at the weekend trying on every pair they had. Eventually they came up with these ... the most beautiful pair of flat shoes I have ever had the priviliege of owning.

They also had several other pairs of flats, including winter boots, that I now covet greatly. Roll on for the next pay day when I might just treat myself again.

As an aside they also had a very beautiful bag in store that was screaming to be bought - and big enough for me to justify buying as a crossover changing bag for when the baby arrives - but it was priced at £135 (!!!!) and in fact not justifable at all in the current climate of saving for baby so if anyone would like to treat me it looks like this and comes in three colours - I'll take any one you like :)

Smiling through the pain

Sometimes I'm so intent at proving to people that I'm doing ok that I forget to look after myself. And so it was that this week my right foot decided it had had enough. So much so in fact that I had to take Wednesday off work and basically sit doing nothing.

Thankfully that day's rest seems to have done its job and while the foot isn't 100% it's certainly not as painful as it was. The burning sensation comes and goes and while walking on it can feel a bit like walking across a bed of pins it's not unbearable.

As an aside work was manic yesterday and at one point my deputy editor came over looking decidedly stressed out ... we mutally complained a bit, getting the troubles of the day off our chests and as she went to leave she commented ... 'and yet, here you are still with a smile on your face' - that's me, always smiling :)

New audience

A colleague of mine posted a link to this blog on her blog (www.claireallan.com) - which is infinitely more successful and widely read than mine but she's an fabulous author so that figures! - but I digress - the point is that more readers have come this way as a result.

And, as it's always been my aim for this column to educate and inform, it's great that it's starting to reach a wider audience. So, if you're new here - welcome!

It's also attracted the attention of a young woman who I met many moons ago through what the people in these parts call 'cross-community projects' - ie. they made Protestant and Catholic kids socialise and learn from each other thinking we all hated each other - they couldn't have more wrong by the way but it was a free weekend away and me and my mates where there in seconds.

So we've kept in contact via Facebook over the years and yesterday the mentioned young lady sent me an e-mail, following reading my thoughts on here, asking if I would like to recommend an MS charity that would benefit from a Christmas Day swim she and her mates are doing later this year.

The gesture has really touched me - to the point that when I tell people of her intentions my eyes well up with tears. And even though I'll have a newborn at home over December I'll still be championing her efforts and raising a few ££ for the cause - after all, if she can don a swimsuit in the middle of winter and brave the Atlantic when most people will be opening presents and drinking an early glass of wine then the least I can do is contribute to the fundraising.

I'll be on here reminding you of it nearer the time so keep collecting your pennies in the meantime - it doesn't take long for the pounds to add up!

What I miss the most

I’ve just spent a lovely week off work recharging the batteries and I cannot underestimate the power of sitting still in making me feel better.
We stayed for three nights in a cottage with no television and being forced to simply curl up and read was pure bliss.
I’ve gone back to work raring to go and it’s proof that everyone - not just MS sufferers may I add - always benefit from some rest time.

Anyway ... as an aside, I’ve also been thinking about the things I miss most since diagnosis. It’s silly but it’s the small things that I miss the most.

Firstly, I’ve been saying lately that there has to be some sort of injustice in giving a sun worshipper MS because now if I spend just half an hour under the sun I’m completely zonked. And I miss the sun!

I was also at a wedding recently and besides the fact that being pregnant has me confined to flat shoes anyway, the residual pain and general annoyance that are my feet these days keeps me out of high heels - and I miss wearing high heels. I do anyway but I generally only last about two hours before they become unbearable. And when we moved house recently it pained me greatly to have to place my gorgeous pairs into a box that I know will stay closed for a good part of the foreseeable future.
I’ve also had a hard time finding flat shoes that I like and with autumn around the corner I’m dreading looking for boots I can actually feel good in.

Finally, and probably most importantly, I miss my independence. More specifically it frustrates the hell out of me that I need to rely on family (mainly my mum, aunt and J) to help me with household chores.
It may seem like heaven for someone to come in and do all the horrible house stuff for you (and mostly it is!) but sometimes when I’m laid up with painful feet all I want to do is fill the mop bucket up and wash my own floors myself.

When I can see a job that needs done, and know it would have taken me ten minutes a year ago, there are no words to describe the sense of helplessness that comes over me when I realise that not only would it take me an hour if I dared to tackle it myself now, the simple reality is that I just can’t do it at all. Such a task would leave me knackered for the rest of the day and saving my energy is something I’ve learned to prioritise.

But, this week I’m simply enjoying feeling brighter and with the baby due in just over 11 weeks, making the most of the quiet for now!