Two-thirds down, 13 weeks to go!

So, that's me, in the third and final trimester and it seems to have come around really quickly.
It has helped that the second trimester occurred between Christmas and Easter, and they seemed so close together this year.
They were also great milestones to mark the key turning points in this second pregnancy.
And, as predicted, the second trimester was relatively good to me. It's the one most pregnant woman look forward to and it's no wonder why.
It's when the sickness and tiredness starts to ease and it's before the baby gets so big that you can barely move.
And the eight weeks which comprised months five and six have served me well.
There's very little to report bar the niggling pregnancy gripes and groans like leg cramps and a touch of insomnia.
However, I have been getting Braxton Hicks from week 24 this time, which I thought I was imagining them until I looked it up.
But no, it's perfectly normal to get these from week 26 or so, so I'm just a little ahead.
My cousin has just given birth to her second little boy and when I mentioned it to her she said she was the same.
And she had relatively quick labours, with number two coming in less than four hours from start to finish. I'm liking the sound of that so I'm grinning and bearing them.
But they are much more intense than any I had with Charlotte, and any I had with her didn't kick until the final two weeks.
In the main however, pregnancy has been treating me well. I am definitely one of the lucky ones who finds that their MS goes into remission while expecting and I'm enjoying feeling the best I have for some time.
However, it would be remiss of me not to mention the increasing sense of dread I am feeling as regards relapsing once the baby is born.
Most days, I try not to think about it, but it's such a real possibility that it can be difficult to ignore the voices in my head.
A few weeks ago I had my routine six month check up with my MS nurse Fiona and I mentioned to her that I was nervous.
She was incredibly helpful and reassured me that this was perfectly normal. She also allayed my fears as regards choosing a Disease Modifying Drug (DMD) going forward.
Ever since I gave up on both Rebif and Avonex, owing to their side effects, I have been tortured with the thought of having to try something else.
But Fiona was quick to tell me that this was something that didn't need to be my priority until after the baby arrives, and even then, to give myself some time before making that choice.
I am so relieved to know that pressure does not exist as I am so looking forward to those early weeks when the baby arrives.
It's a precious time that you never get back and I cannot wait to meet this new bundle of joy


PS. As ever I am late posting so I actually only have 11 weeks to go :)

Hugs, kisses and empathy

A while back, just after I had Charlotte, I was interviewed for parenting website Parentdish. It's a wonderfully informative site and I was delighted to be asked to talk about my decision to have children following my diagnosis.
I think the only way to educate people about MS is to talk about it. It's what I do here and it's something I don't hide from many people. If anything, I'm probably too open, but that's just my nature.
One of the comments on that post was from someone who obviously has no idea what having MS entails because she wrote that I was insensitive and selfish to have children when I knew that I had MS.
At the time I was incensed, disgusted and annoyed that someone who didn't know me, or anything about MS, would cast such a judgement.
After all, there are plenty of parents out there that face illness and much more, after giving birth to their offspring.
For us, it was never really an issue. Both Joe and I have always wanted to be parents and we took the attitude that MS is NOT the worst thing that could happen to me.
More than that, I personally feel that my children will grow up with a more rounded view of the world. They will see that not everything in life is easy.
And I can already see in Charlotte, who just turned two in November, a sense of empathy, caring and love that can only come from having a 'sick' mummy.
Last week my heart nearly melted when I said I was going to bed for a quick lie down (my legs have been playing up and rest, however small, helps) and she was straight over giving me a hug, saying 'Aww, mummy's not feeling well. I kiss it better mummy'.
I was quick to say I wasn't really sick, just a bit tired, because of course I have that maternal instinct where I want to protect her from the harsh realities of what MS means, but I am also incredibly proud of the fact she is so sympathetic.
She's a hugs kind of girl, who squeezes so tight sometimes I can hardly breathe. And I think that's what matters. She knows love. I must kiss her wee cheeks about thirty times a day.
And when I am well, we bake buns until we can eat no more, we dance around the kitchen like eejits, we play in the garden even when it's cold.
I make sure that she sees that life can be good, and it's the little things that count.
That, for me, is enough.
I am proud to be a mum with Multiple Sclerosis and until you live a day in my life, or walk a mile in my shoes, don't judge me or question my choices.

Photo courtesy of www.stephenlatimerphotography.com

Almost halfway there!

Ten days late but here's month four! I'll try harder to be on time this month.

Month four

One of the most annoying symptoms of MS that I have is one that's not exactly 'sexy'. Basically my bladder doesn't operate like anybody else's, if I need to go, I need to go and that happens a lot. In medical terms they call it 'urgency and frequency'. See, not very sexy.

It was one of the symptoms that presented itself WAY before I was diagnosed and the one that I was most thankful to have an answer for once I the diagnosis of MS was given. And I know that sounds a bit mad but honestly, I thought I was going mad before the diagnosis. In fact, I even had hypnotherapy because so many people had told me that my need to 'go' was in my head. 

And it wasn't. Well, not like everyone thought.

Because essentially it was my head, but it was just the MS lesions. My bladder wasn't behaving because the signals from my brain are all out of sync.

And once I got the diagnosis I was finally given medication to help.

Once a day I take a little blue tablet and in the time that I have been given it, my bladder mostly behaves. At least 98% of the time.

Now, in pregnancy, I have stopped taking the little blue tablets and while I know it's incredibly important for the baby, I cannot say that stopping the medication was something I looked forward to.

It gave me my life back and I don't say that lightly. 

However, as anyone who has been pregnant knows, your bladder is something that plays up and without my medication it has been doubly-hard to deal with. 

But thankfully, in month four, the symptoms seem to be easing.

For weeks I was getting no proper sleep because I was up every two to three hours and combined with the normal tiredness I was starting to get down about it.

So, it's great to finally be past that stage.

Otherwise, month four has been quiet. The baby is growing but my normal clothes mostly fit, bar my trousers which need an elastic in the buttonhole to make them stretch a but more! 

Cravings are minimal but I am eating more often. Smaller meals, but more often, because if I don't my tummy rumbles and I can't think straight. 

But generally this pregnancy is going well and for that I am incredibly thankful.

Photo courtesy of www.stephenlatimerphotography.com

We're having another baby! Months 1-3

It's so ridiculously late but I am hoping to blog every month about my second pregnancy so it makes sense to talk about the first three months before I catch up and post month four!

As regards planning this second baby, me having MS was definitely a huge consideration. First of all my husband and I had to decide how we would manage and when the time would be right.

In the 18 months following Charlotte's birth I was convinced that we would wait until she was at least at nursery before having any more. Kids are hard work and I had a tough year last year with two relapses hitting me hard in a six month period.

But as we reached the end of 2012 it became clear that health-wise I was doing the best I had for a long, long time.

I had already stopped taking any disease-modifying drugs, after feeling that the side effects were too difficult to manage, so when the discussion of a second baby arose I have to say we were both positive about taking the leap sooner rather than later.

MS is so unpredictable that it seemed silly for us to try and map out the future perfectly. Instead, we took my good fortune and relatively good health as a sign and decided that there was no better time than to have baby two.

When I fell pregnant with Charlotte I have to say I wasn't counting the days until I could take a pregnancy test, I just felt if it happened then great but with this one, I went through five tests, all coming up negative, before number six showed the faint red line we were hoping for. It was a strange feeling because I knew I was testing too early with the first five but I was so convinced that I was pregnant that I couldn't help myself! And when we found out it was an amazing feeling.

It felt, once again, that we had made the right decision, that falling pregnant so easily was a sure-fire sign that this baby was coming at the right time.

The following weeks were pretty tough. I suffered from morning sickness with Charlotte but this time I was nauseous morning, noon and night. I could hardly eat and even now, at week 20, I weigh less than when I first fell pregnant.

My body seems to do that though, as I lost quite a bit in my first pregnancy too.

The tiredness was also really tough but I think everyone gets that and I always take it and the sickness as a good sign that the baby is growing well! My husband was really good and let me spend quite a bit of the first 13 weeks in bed when I needed to rest.

We also kept the pregnancy much quieter this time, not really telling anyone outside of our close family until the 13 week scan and it was really hard.

But it was lovely to have the scan the week before Christmas and let everyone know at Christmas gatherings - and everyone has been so excited for us.

Cravings wise I haven't had many but in the early days I was eating whatever I could manage and unbelievably, for about two weeks, all I wanted was fast food.

I rarely eat at the chip shop or at McDonalds and the like, but I ate about six bags of chips over those two weeks, absolutely covered in salt. Very strange.

Then the week before Christmas we were at my husband's parents' for a lunch and I was suddenly hungry. I think my mother-in-law couldn't believe her eyes as usually I'm a small enough eater, but on this occasion I had about three helpings of potatoes.

My appetite was back with a vengeance ......

A basic human right has been denied

As the High Court in Dublin denies Marie Fleming, who has Multiple Sclerosis, the right to end her life with the assistance of another (see the news piece here) I reflected on the outcome of her case in a piece for the paper I work for ... it's posted below and I have to say it was an extremely difficult piece to compose. But I hope it gets people talking and thinking, not least about MS in general, but about the need for us, in the UK and Ireland, to see that assisted suicide, if requested, is the only dignified option in this situation.

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Whenever I hear of a person with Multiple Sclerosis applying to the courts for the ‘right to die’ my heart sinks. It brings home to me, once again, the harrowing side of the illness with which I have been diagnosed for nearly four years.

It pains me to know that someone who is dealing with the effects of MS simply cannot take anymore. 

The illness has many symptoms and many manifestations. Personally, I have relapsing/remitting MS. This means that I have periods when it flares up and times when I thankfully have some respite.

Last year was one in which I unfortunately seemed to be in more periods of relapse rather than respite. And while I had experienced pain before, the levels rachetted up a gear, my medication levels subsequently increased and there were weeks when I had to employ the use of a stick. 

As someone who prides themselves in seeing the positives of any situation, it has to be said that there were times in 2012 when I struggled to find my smile, my verve, my get up and go.

And looking back at those periods of ‘darkness’ there is no doubt that I can see why someone who is constantly in that pain/situation/place would sometimes find it difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

From what I can gather Marie Fleming has found herself in that place. She described her situation to the court extremely eloquently, with the judges accepting that her “body has been ravaged by the insidious disease to the point where she is now almost immobile, that her life has been rendered miserable and that she suffers great pain and distress.”

To hear these words are enough to fill my eyes with tears because I hate to imagine that this is what may lie ahead for, not just me, but for many who have had the unfortunate diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.

And it’s even more poignant to know that someone who has faced the illness with such dignity is now saying ‘enough is enough’.

Now that this time has come, Marie is asking the courts to allow her to die with dignity, surrounded by her family, safe in the knowledge that they then would not face imprisonment.

However, this has been denied. This, in spite of the fact that suicide itself is no longer illegal in Ireland. Yet, because Marie is now so ill she finds herself incapable of carrying out that act for herself, she will instead be left in pain and distress until she passes away naturally.

I cannot deny that it’s a hard case to rule on, not least because the courts have a duty of care to those less vulnerable, but in the case of Marie Fleming I cannot help but feel she has been denied a basic human right.

The court itself said that she was “the most remarkable witness which any member of this court has ever been privileged to encounter” and I have silently sat today applauding her courage and determination in taking her case to the High Court.

It pains me to say it, but I believe if I was facing the same situation many years down the line, there is every chance I too would wish to die.

I can understand how the pain would take over. It creeps into every aspect of your life. It makes you weary, it never gives up.

The distress caused by a continued battle against the effects of MS cannot be underestimated. Its symptoms can affect nearly every part of your body. There is the prospect of immobility, loss of eyesight, spasms, bladder and bowel incontinence, nerve pain, fatigue ... the list goes on. 

Thankfully, it’s not a situation I currently find myself in, but the nature of Multiple Sclerosis means that there is no knowing what lies ahead. It’s an illness which simply does its own thing, and no matter how positive and upbeat I try to be, there is also no knowing if the situation Marie Fleming finds herself in would eventually come to my door too. 

I would like to think that if it did, I would be allowed to die in peace and with those I loved at my bedside. As the law currently stands that’s an impossibility.

Ending on a high ....

As anyone who reads this blog, or knows me well, will know, this year hasn't been an easy one MS wise. Two relapses in six months at the start of the year knocked me for six. Then a period off Rebif, followed by a trial month on Avonex left my body not really knowing which way was up.
I struggled to come to terms with the medication options available, feeling that they were harder on my body than the actual MS. Side effects are a common problem with Disease Modifying Drugs and as hard as I tried to see the good they were doing, I simply couldn't function while on them.
It wasn't easy but after some discussion with my family and my MS nurse I made the difficult decision to simply stop taking any.
I've talked before about how it's a double-edged sword because there are people around the world, and the UK, crying out to be given the chance to take some form, any kind, of medication and they aren't always readily available. Yet I have never been denied any.
And now I'm turning them down.
But it's our local policy not to give MS patients regular MRI scans so I don't know if the 18 months I spent injecting myself  with drugs was even worth it.
I have always found this a frustrating situation. Surely a yearly scan would show if the lesions have increased/stayed the same? Then I might at least feel that every side effect was worth it.
Regardless, I have had to make a decision that feels right for me and my family. For now that means going without.
In recent months I have also managed to come off all of my pain-relieving meds which is brilliant. This proves, to me at least, that a relapse is simply that ... a blip, a knock-back, something I can, and will, overcome.
Those meds were essential to keeping me functioning but today I need none. To say that aloud is so amazing. To know that my body won't always let me down. That I can fight this.
But, more than that, it feels incredible to be saying that 2012 is, in fact, ending on a very high note.
In order to come off the DMDs but leave my options open, I choose to take what they call a 'pregnancy break'. This allows me to stay on the waiting list, so that when I decide that taking DMDs is once again right for me, I will automatically be allowed to start again.
And the reason I choose this option is because it wasn't far from the truth.
My husband and I have always made it clear that we wanted a baby brother or sister for Charlotte.
And, to our joy, that's exactly what we're doing!
I am 12 weeks pregnant, we had our first scan yesterday and our precious second child is due to arrive on 30th June 2013.
Sometimes the twists and turns of this road I am travelling on are hard to fathom. But this morning, as I write, I am clear that they have taken me on the right path. Yes, having MS is not ideal, but I am happy, I have a wonderful family and incredibly supportive friends.
Today, life is good.

Pregnancy and MS video for MS Society

My gorgeous baby girl will be two this Sunday, and she definitely isn't a baby any more. In fact, she has become a wee woman over the last month, chatting away, showing us who's boss and generally, full of fun.

There have been some temper tantrums to deal with ... but everyone talks about the terrible two's and I'm hoping that they don't last much longer!

It feels like yesterday when I was heavily pregnant with her and being filmed for the MS Society's Pregnancy and MS information video. In fact, three hours after the guys left my waters broke and Charlotte was born the very next day, a whole three days early.

They returned last year, as Charlotte turned one, and completed the filming, giving a more rounded view of what it's like for women with MS who decide to have children.

I had always hoped that the video would help others see that having MS doesn't mean you can't have kids. If anything, I wanted people to see that having MS wasn't stopping me from living the life I had always hoped for.

Yes, it was tough at times, and still can be, but what mother doesn't find parenthood hard going? 

I was very conscious that this was MY story, and therefore couldn't reflect the entire MS community, but I still believe that doing the film was the right decision. I have had great feedback on Facebook and Twitter and the film is something that I am very proud of.

It's available to view here ....