Wednesday, 27 October 2010

The uncertain path ahead

Here's the thing. When I started this blog I promised myself that it would document all aspects of life with MS - the good, the bad and the ugly. But as I wish for it to remain a positive account it is sometimes easier to ignore the bad and ugly sides.
However, in recent weeks I have found it difficult to sidestep the issue of uncertainty and that's why I've been away for a while. I genuinely feel that voicing my concerns here will have a negative impact on my thought process but in the interests of keeping it real - here goes.
Of course, the impending arrival of my first born - expected in just over 2 weeks - has me very excited and I've never questioned our decision to have a child - both J an I are going to be great parents (if I do say so myself) - and will strive to give our child(ren) all the love and support they will ever need.
BUT, and here's where the uncertain aspect of MS rears its ugly head, it does worry me that having a child has been a somewhat selfish decision. Yes, we will be great parents and as John Lennon once said, 'Love is all you need' but is it fair for me to sentence our unborn baby to a life with a 'sick' mummy.
It's so frustrating because as I, and all MS patients, know, there is no crystal ball for what lies ahead. I may never deteriorate further and if being this 'sick' is all I have to face then I would be a very happy woman. But there simply is no knowing.
I hate that I go to sleep some evenings and worry about what sort of state my own body will have left me in by morning. I've read the experiences of other MS patients and know that there's a possibility I could, for example, suddenly wake up with impaired or no vision. And there's no point in pretending that that thought doesn't scare the absolute c**p out of me.
I also hate it that MS isn't something I can work at getting rid of. It's there, inside me, working whatever damage it feels like doing - and no amount of positive thinking can make it stop.
In essence, it's an uncertain road and I'm at its mercy.
Yet, I will finish on a positive note - I can't bear not to! For all of its faults and the uncertain future it represents, MS has not taken away any part of my personality - and I am determined that my child will grow up with a confident, happy and positive mum by its side - you just watch!

Thursday, 7 October 2010

It'll all be worth it in the end!

Okay, so I've just over five weeks to go and I'm already hoping that I defy the myth of first time mums going late and have this baby early. Not massively early because I, of course, want it to be a good weight - lovely and healthy. But honestly, carrying a baby is hard work.
This week has felt especially hard because the wee mite is doing what it's supposed to and moved head down into my pelvis ready for labour. So, once again, while I'm all chuffed that it's behaving itself and doing as nature intended, it is really starting to hurt.
I have tiny feet pushing up under my ribs at the right, two little fists punching my left side and a head pressing on my bladder - usually all at the same time!
Work today has dragged as I cannot find a single way to get comfortable, and I'm also conscious that this time next week I'll be finishing up - and I'm counting down the hours in anticipation.
Thankfully I held onto some of my holidays so I'm only at my desk for 5 hours next Monday and all of next Thursday, so it should fly by. Then I simply intend to hibernate at home and start nesting - ready for the much-anticipated arrival of our precious bundle of joy.
And once it gets here I'm sure all the aches and pains of recent weeks will simply fade into the background ... and the sleep deprivation will take over instead!!!